I was hoping I wouldnt have to do this, but as of yesterday, it became necessary....
Negative and hurtful comments will not be tolerated on this blog. Period.
Daniel and I got so burned during our last adoption that we will not give any publicity, attention or credence to anyone who feels that they can call us names, berate us or say ugly things about this adoption. These kind of comments will automatically be deleted... and if I receive another comment like I got last night, then comment moderation will be turned on, as much as I hate to do that.
Look, we know that not everyone is going to agree with us or be happy for us... we get that... but if you feel the need to comment about it, then at least do it in a civil and adult manner.
And if you are going to be vocal about it, then at least leave your name and dont hide behind that "anonymous" tag...
If you have questions, please feel free to ask... but do not do it in an epicly bad condescending tone.
It will not be tolerated... not a bit.
And yes, I know some of you (and probably the person who left the comment) are thinking that I am overly sensitive and overreacting....
Well, honestly, thats probably true.... but when I say that we were burned last adoption, I mean it.... when I say that we got some hurtful, ugly, mean, nasty comments last time, that is what I mean.
I have never addressed this publicly because I didnt want to give these words any more credence, but I think its time that I told you a few of the things we heard during Wallace's adoption
- That child (meaning Wallace) is just worthless
- His parents didnt even want him, why would you?
- Who cares what happens to him, he doesnt have to be your problem.
And that is just the tip of the iceberg on the comments... never mind the people who completely ignored us, shut us out or pretended like our adoption didnt exist.
So I want you to close your eyes, think of your children, and then imagine someone saying to your face that your child was worthless.
(and if you feel the need to say that Wallace isnt our bio child so its not the same thing, then you can go ahead and leave now)
So yeah... I am overly sensitive and probably overreact... but we learned last time that negative words can hurt and they can stay with you and they can rob you of your joy too easily.
So... like I said... any hurtful or negative comments left on this blog will be deleted instantly. Period.
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With that being said, we adore comments and questions... so feel free to leave some!
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On another note... someone did ask why we are doing international adoption as opposed to fostering or adopting domestically.
Daniel and I are not made for fostering... we just arent. We have so much respect and love for people that can do this though - we are in awe.... but there is absolutely no way, we could care for a child and then have them leave - it would cut my heart in two.... and with our children being so small right now, we dont think it would be a good idea to have them saying goodbye often. Yes, there is a need for this, so if you can do this, that is awesome and we will offer you whatever support you need!
Domestic adoption... when people ask this, I really want to ask them why arent they adopting domestically since I know that they have know idea what they are asking. Daniel and I would have a very, very hard time adopting domestically since we have 3 small children in our home. We dont have the room for siblings and we would need the new child to be 5 years old or younger (b/c Emma is 6). Younger children like that are usually given to parents without children, have one child or cannot conceive.... we would be waiting a long time if we went the domestic route... also, the only kids available for public domestic adoption in our state right now are either siblings or teenagers - and we would not be approved for either one. And for note, because each state has its own adoption laws, its almost impossible to adopt across state lines - thats so crazy! Also, to be honest, Daniel and I cannot stomach the fact that a birth mother could come in over a year after weve adopted a child and decide that they want the child back, and most likely we would lose all rights... we cant even stomach that possibility because it would kill us... absolutely kill us (and no, we dont have a problem with open adoption, just the kind where the parents are deadbeats and dont see their kids for over a year and then all of a sudden want them back)
So even with all the paperwork and money... international adoption is just the best route for us.... and if you know me at all, you know that part of my heart has always been in Asia so I already love the culture, so its not hard to see why that is a good fit for our family.
If you have questions, please feel free to ask!
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So yesterday.... :)
- we had our first home study visit
- we got 2 of background check permission forms in
- we got our bios written for our home study
Today...
- we have our second home study visit... :)
Met our social worker for our home study for the first time yesterday and she isnt much taller than I am, and she was so super sweet and interested in what we had to say... we were both kind of sad that we are going to complete the home study so soon because it means our time together will be so much shorter.
But yeah... we hope to have all the requirements for the home study done before December, and then it will probably take 1-2 weeks for her to get that all typed up, send it off for review and then get it finalized.
After that comes the I800A where we ask the US govt to allow us to bring an orphan into the country.. that process takes 30-60 days.... once we have approval for that, then we send our dossier over.
Not sure what exactly comes after that since we already have pre-approval and have a waiting child in mind, but I know we have to file the I800, and then shortly after that, we travel.
So... us traveling next summer could actually happen.... so, so excited.... wow!
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Yesterday a co-worker gave me 2 boxes of envelopes... I am beyond grateful....
Have a great day... :)
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Hi Tallie,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about hurtful comments :( :( so uncalled for...
Not sure if you really wanted to know but thought I'd share if it can be helpful :) We just brought our son home from China... After your dossier goes over you wait anywhere from 1 week to 1 month for your LID (log in date) then the real unpredictable wait for LOA/LSC starts, even though you have PA you still have to wait for the Letter of Acceptance. It takes usually 2-3 months for that before you can do your i800. Praying for you all and for your precious daughter, that she will be home quickly with her forever fam!!
Amy... thank you so much, that is actually really helpful. I havent been able to find alot of info on the process if you already have PA, so that was really helpful to me... also, all the abbreviatons are so hard to keep up with, it gets so confusing... :)
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your sweet comment... :)
Glad it was helpful :) I remember being so overwhelmed when we started the China process, is so different from Hong Kong! I think somewhere on our blog is our timeline if you are interested... I also found the China adopt talk forum really helpful information wise, not so good bc then I was obsessing about dates and following others dates to guess timelines etc. Also, from what I remember there really is not much difference in the process for the PA path - well, apart from some waitIng 4yrs to be matched but once that happens is all pretty much the same... Maybe a slight variation on the LOA wait if you were LID before PA of if you were LID after PA. Before you know it this new china adoption abbreviation lingo will be second nature ;-)
DeletePS LSC is Letter Seeking Confirmation its the same thing as the LOA just a different name ;-)
There is NO reason to tolerate the "trolling". I am so excited for your family and overjoyed that you are sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis process can kick me in the gut like no other, but with such a beautiful result...family. Hugs and many prayers....
Hi Addie--
ReplyDeleteI am the person who left you an anonymous comment yesterday--I was posting from my phone and had no way to change the setting. I don't keep a blog of my own, but I am a regular reader of several other blogs, both adoption and non-adoption.
I won't rehash everything I stated in my comment, as it apparently did not come across the way I intended for it to. I will say, however, that I was trying to offer a different perspective. You were trying to understand why people might not be as giving or generous (financially) as you might need or hope for them to be. I was merely trying to point out that not everyone is able to do so. Just as your family is strapped, so is everyone else, and it might not be a priority for them to be able to help you. That's all I was trying to say, and I am sorry if it came across as being offensive.
I agree with you that it sucks, quite frankly, and that it is unfortunate. But, it is what it is. The only thing you can do is move forward and get creative with other ways to afford it, without having to rely on the help of others.
I appreciate you answering the question(s) of domestic vs international adoption, and the pros and cons of how it affects your family and why you decided to go this route. You offer a unique perspective, and it's definitely something to keep in mind.
Addie--
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of some ideas for ways you could get more people to donate to the cause. Most people can feel a little put-off or caught off guard by just being asked to donate, especially with the holidays upon us. But, in my experience, people are more inclined to donate if they are receiving something else in return.
I know that you are a photographer...could you perhaps offer mini-sessions and advertise them as being "for donations toward adoption fund", and set a minimum donation amount that is lower than what you'd typically charge? This would be win-win-win...you'd get donations toward the adoption, people would get photos at a lower rate, and you'd build your clientele for future sessions at a normal rate.
With the holidays upon us, you could offer to wrap presents for donations toward adoption funds, with a minimum amount set--say, $2 for small packages, $4 for larger ones, or $5 for three--something like that. Set up at your church or other highly visible place that is aware of your efforts.
Lastly, if you're good at cooking and/or baking, you could host some sort of dinner or bake (at church or even at your home!) and charge people a small fee (enough to recover your costs for ingredients while still making a small profit).
I just think that ideas like this are nice ice breakers, make people aware of your effort/cause, and would garner donations for you while giving something in return. It might also drive people to donate larger amounts or to donate again in the future, without receiving something in return.
I hope these ideas are helpful!
Megan, thank you for your 2 responses... I really appreciate you taking the time to write those and coming back to the blog... I probably did overreact, but as I explained in the post above, I am overly sensitive and if I conceive things as hurtful, I tend to dwell on it for days, which is why I had to delete your comment, I would have just re-read it and re-read it.
ReplyDeleteBut I do love your suggestions... I did try mini-sessions when we were adopting Wallace and it actually turned out awful as quite a few people booked those but then backed out at the last minute so there was no way to fill those spots (Ive done mini-sessions 3x and its happened every time, so I just am guessing that its not a good fit for this community)
We do have some fundraisers planned so hopefully those will do well... I didnt mean to come across as "begging for money" if that is what it seemed like I was doing - I just wanted to put the need out there, and if someone wanted to give, then the opportunity was open. Asking for money is very humbling and not a fun experience and I wish we didnt have to do it. (also, it hurt alot for the church we were attending to do nothing when they stated over and over how they supported us, but they didnt even throw us a shower or celebrate with us when we got home - and shortly after, they threw showers for 2 different women who were having their 3rd child, I was very upset over that one - and honestly, it wasnt about the gifts, its just that no one seemed genuinely happy for us)
Again, Megan, thank you for your comments... I hope you continue to follow us on our journey!