Brokenhearted... and just plain broken

I feel like I need to put a few disclaimers on this post... (and honestly it kind of hurts that I feel like I have to do this to my own blog)
- this post is not intended to make anyone feel guilty or hurt anyone's feelings... if it does, Im sorry
- this is not a pity party post where I need sympathy (encouragement maybe, but not sympathy) - but this is my life, it is what it is, and I feel like you need to know where Im coming from
- this post will probably be fairly rough around the edges and gritty and raw... and real

Hmmm... where to start? To be honest, I am completely broken down right now.... in every sense of the word.... physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.... all of me is laying in a pile of mush on the floor aching to be picked up, but I know the only way that Addie is going to make it off the floor is if Addie picks herself up.... and right now, Im wondering how it would feel just to spend a few days down here....

Alot of it has to do with this blog... it seems that after almost every post, I receive some sort of hate mail... how I made someone feel guilty about not reading my blog, how I made someone feel guilty about not supporting the orphan, how I hurt someone's feelings, how I dont need to be adopting, how I dont need to be adopting internationally, what am I really thinking, what are my real motivations, etc, etc, etc....

It has worn my soul down.... shouldnt I feel polished instead of just ugly?

My life feels hard right now...

I have no support system, especially when it comes to this adoption (Daniel and the kids excluded, more on them later).... my family does not support this decision - no matter how important it is to me.... I have been told repeatedly that I will lose more than I gain if I continue this adoption. I have been reminded over and over of how I am making my family miserable and if I really loved them I would not continue this adoption. I still love them, though, and that is what makes it even harder. It seems that they only want to support me when I am doing what they think is right.... if Im not, then they feel the need to just guilt me and guilt me and guilt me. I am afraid that it has caused a rift that may never be fully mended and that makes me sad. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a 30 year old adult - I can make my own decisions... and dadgummit, family is supposed to support each other - unconditionally, not just when you agree with them. I have made a promise to myself to never do this to my children. Im sure they will do some things that I will absolutely hate, but you know what - they will always be my children and I will always love them. Even if they do things that I cant stand, if it makes them happy (and doesnt hurt them or anyone else), then I will do my best to support them and love them.

And not only do I not have family support... I barely have any friends either. Now Im not talking about all of you who have sent me lovely emails and read my blog... what I mean is that I dont have any girlfriends here next to me that I can call on the phone or just go out with. I do have one friend whom I love that is close, but with both of us having small children, it just isnt feasible to see each other all the time. I am jealous of all the blogs I read where they went out with the girls, or they had someone offer to bring them dinner when they were having a hard day, or when they just have someone's shoulder to cry on - that ugly kind of cry.

I go to a job every day that I really dont like and I am underappreciated. I am glad to have a job in this economy, it definitely helps out... but most days, it leaves my morale very low.

I do not like going to church anymore... for some reason that I cannot understand, God always calls us to a church that is spiritually dead.... it is full of elderly people that are completely set in their ways - they are more concerned with tradition than with worship.... at every single church that Daniel and I have been members of since weve been married (for 7 1/2 years now) - we have been the ONLY young couple there... right now, our 2 are the only kids at our church.... you can imagine how much my soul would stagnate if I didnt care, right? So Daniel and I have found our niche, and work with the youth... if youve ever done this, you know what a constant uphill battle it is... it has some amazing rewards - if you can withstand the pressures of it... if you can persevere.... but it can also severely beat up your soul as well..... How Ive cried out to God for something different - for a church on fire.... to find some sort of crumb of spiritual nourishment in church, but God says no.... I honestly dont know if the church is supposed to be affecting me or if I am supposed to be affecting it.... but this is also a lack of support and encouragment as well - it means that I cant rest when it comes to my spirit and soul - I must put the work in....

- on to Daniel and my kids.... they are my light and totally make everything better - God shows Himself through them alot of times.... I cannot think of them and not smile. So if Im going through all this, it kind of goes without saying that Daniel is going through it as well - plus, he is in school full time (that would be 21 hours just this semester!).... So, we are both not totally without support... we "get" each other... its nice having someone to come home too, but I dont want to spend every moment of the time we do have together just crying, so alot of times I hold it in and stuff it down....

- did I mention that Ive let myself completely go? There was a Suave commercial a few years ago that I loved.... it time-lapsed around a woman... she started off young and pretty, and then it shows her getting married and getting pregnant and kids running around her - all the while, she is looking less and less like who she really was.... that is Addie. I no longer wear contacts anymore or make-up... I dont wear jewelry besides my watch and my wedding ring... I only wear jeans and tennis shoes and whatever top is comfortable... my hair gets brushed once a day... I may shave my legs once a month (just being honest here, plus who needs to when all you wear are jeans)... I will not go out anywhere by myself - Id rather just stay home... and I will not spend money on myself anymore - it just makes me feel guilty*...

*to be totally honest, I already bought myself my Christmas present from Daniel - a pair of red high heels, they will probably never be worn, but Ive always wanted a pair and I finally found some that were just what I wanted*

Like I said, I dont want this to turn into a pity party or bashing all the people around me... I just wanted you to know where I was coming from... so when I come here to vent, its because yall are all I got...

and if this blog continues to only bring me hate mail, then I will be forced to go private - or just quit altogether.... b/c I cant continually have my heart broken every week... it hurts too much

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as for actual adoption news...

-several things have come in, but we are still waiting for at least 3 things to arrive in the agency's mail box....

- I typed out our passport applications online today and hopefully we will be applying for those very, very soon.... the typical time to get those back is 4-6 weeks, which with all the upcoming holidays, I think we will be cutting it close....

As of right now, Im just kind of left silent... still laying in a pile of mush on the floor... and whether I like it or not, life goes on... it does not care whether Addie is on the floor or not...

Still waiting....

On the exact same things we were waiting on over a week ago....

Addie is not a happy camper right now....

Addie is not doing a good job of being patient...

Addie does not understand why this stuff has been sitting in our file for 6 months and not sent out in May.....

Addie is trying really hard to have faith that God is working... even when it seems everyone else is not.

Hopefully, I will have good news in my next post.... or maybe I will still be waiting.

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Last Monday, Daniel and I watched a horrific documentary.

It was about Joseph Koney and his child soldiers.... children that he abducts from their families and turns them into killing monsters.... or he turns the girls into his wives.... children as young as 9 and 10.

And he claims that he wants to set up a government based on the 10 Commandments... all of which he has broken.

He says he wants peace, but when the government is ready to get together to finalize the deal.... he backs out... and then massacres hundreds of people.... time and time again.

Please take a look at www.invisiblechildren.com and www.wewantobama.com and make up your own mind on this monster.

As much as I think the government of Uganda should do... I am more convinced this is a spiritual war. Please pray with me that God will save this man. Think of how many people he could bring to Christ.

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Anyway.... I could use some prayer for patience... the waiting game is probably my least favorite game.... ever.

Love you!

Still Waiting...

Nothing new to report... still waiting on police clearances and reference letters to be sent back...

One thing that we could use prayer for.... pray that our homestudy is done quickly, and that we have time to get our passports done soon. There is so much paperwork involved, but we are hoping and praying to have our dossier (even more paperwork) mailed to HK by the end of December. But with so much paperwork and the holidays coming up, it will take everyone involved really getting things out in a timely matter.

Why do we want it out by the end of December? Because from what I can figure, its about 6 months to travel after that. Which would put us at June... meaning Daniel will be through with regular classes - meaning we could travel alot easier. It would also give us the whole summer to bond before Daniel has to start school again.

So, in my limited perspective, that is what seems best right now. I am wondering what God knows is best... will it be June? Will it be later? Who knows.... I am trusting that God knows best and He loves me, my family, and our new child....

So I wait.

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And another video for yall.... hope it works

Randomosity

Sorry for my rant last week... if you commented or emailed me, be assured that it was not you that I was mad at... earlier in the day, a few things had gotten me riled up.... it didnt help that later on, I got a really hurtful email about the adoption - made me cry....

But I got it all out... so Im better now...

Thank you for all the encouragement that you have brought me... God soothes me through it.

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I remember what I wanted to talk about last time since I was too flustered from my last post...

Saturday, October 3rd was the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival in China (and presumable Hong Kong).... well, the kids were with family that day and I had a wedding to shoot so I knew that we wouldnt get to celebrate it together.... but I still wanted to incorporate it into our lives to help the kids understand a little bit more about the culture of their new sibling...

So on Wednesday, Gabe and I took the afternoon and made paper Chinese lanterns and drew chalk pictures of the moon on black construction paper and hung them all around the dining room... so when Emma and Daniel got home, they were surprised and excited.... then Emma, Gabe and I made some mooncake cookies - yummy... although I was the only one who wanted to eat them - they didnt look like chocolate chip cookies so both kids passed.... it was fun though

Last week, Gabe and I had another afternoon together and we spent it at the library.... I picked up "Big Bird in China" and we had fun reading that together as well... so we are finding small ways to incorporate bits and piece of Asia into our lives

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And for your reading pleasure....

Saturday afternoon, we went to town to do some grocery shopping, and we had to go by my work, so I could run in and pick something up that I had left... while I am gone, Gabe and Emma start talking about a few birds that had landed on a nearby telephone pole (Daniel told me all this later on)...

Gabe: look at those birds... someone needs to tell them to get out of the rain... they probably just think its a shower or something.... how silly

Emma: tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet...

Gabe: Emma, stop, they cant hear you

Emma: Gabe, Im telling them to get out of the rain

And that, my friends, is just one reason, I love my kids.... :)

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On a much sadder note.... it is amazing how much evil there is in this world and how ugly human nature can be...

A few weeks ago, Daniel and I sat down on the couch after a long day... he flipped the tv on, and 20/20 came on.... this is not a program we normally watch, but since the adoption process has begun, our hearts have been softened to the plight of the orphaned and poor.... so we watched

It was a story about albinos in Tanzania... how they are hunted for their bones, hair and skin b/c the witch doctors have convinced the people that they are magic and can cure many things....

Oftentimes, men will sneak into an albino's house (usually women and children) and hack their limbs off...

There was one official lady who had heard of this practice and went incognito into a village where this was happening and witnessed it for herself and heard stories.... she is actively trying to change this - to make the government take action

One of the stories she told, absolutely broke my heart.... imagine a single mother with 4 small children... your 7 month old is an albino. Men come in the night and take your 7 month old - they tell you that if you scream, they will kill your other 3 children one by one.... so the mother holds her other 3 and holds her tongue.... they take the 7 month old albino baby outside and cut - one by one - each of its limbs off with a machete.... and leave the baby to die.

In the weatlth and technology that I live in, it is hard for my brain to wrap around the idea that this kind of stuff happens.... today.... right now....

I also listened to a news story that was reviewing a documentary about a war-torn village in Afghanistan and how their village was decimated. They interviewed a few people... the first wasw a woman who had taken in 5 orphans and didnt know what she was going to do - they had nothing... no food.... nothing.... the second was a man who once was a farmer.... he kept talking about how rich he used to be and now he had nothing - and he would sell his 11 year old daughter, but no one wanted her.... he just kept repeating that over and over...

To think... a father would sell his own daughter for money.... my heart bleeds for it... because it goes on today... it is heartbreaking to think that all over the world that men are selling their daughters as young as 5 to brothels - where they "entertain" around 40 men a day, they are beaten, and not given enough sleep, food or sanitation than most would give a dog... their own fathers!

And to know that their is a Father out there that knows what is going on.... that will punish these wicked men in His time... but how will these innocents know about Him if we do nothing?

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God has been convicting me lately about all the material stuff that I hoard in my life... that I am not willing to give up.

I love Rich Mullins, and I shall paraphrase one of his quotes (only b/c I dont have it written down with me).... he said "If you tell me that I need to be born again b/c Jesus said it to one man, then you must also follow Jesus when He told another man to sell everything he had and give it to the poor. I guess that's why they invented highlighters - so we can highlight the part of the Bible that we like and ignore the rest"

Ouch.... my toes are hurting.

God brought it all out into the light for me... He asked me how much of this "stuff" would I sell for the ransom of one of my children? And the answer was easy... all of it - they are my biggest treasure.

And then He asked.... Why are you not doing the same for your adopted child?

Busted.

Let me just say that this is a huge battle that God has convicted me over and over on... and within the last few years, I have slowly let go of things that I didnt need.... and I have also been setting aside things here and there for an adoption fundraiser garage sale that we are going to have....

But... I have only been willing to give up things that dont really matter so much... now God wants me to really decide (as I pick up something that I just want to keep) if "this" is worth the life of my child....

No... my child's life is worth so much more.

So now.... it is time to get serious.

Often, I sit and think about my child in Hong Kong and how I long to have them with me... God and I talk about it often... I can only trust that He knows my heart and His timing is perfect.

2 for 1

Well, we got 2 of 4 of our home study meetings over with at one time this past Tuesday (Oct 6th)...

Our new case worker is in Jackson, so we had to make the 2 1/2 hour drive (one way). As God set it up, He gave Daniel that day as a fall break day.... love it when He shows off like that!

We got there around 11, and started our interviews.... we did the first together, and just went got to new our new social worker. That meeting lasted about 30-45 minutes. Then we started our individual interviews - I went first.... she just wanted to go over a few things in my self-study. Nothing major....

Then we broke for lunch.....

We came back and Daniel did his interview.... for 2 hours..... so there I was sitting in the lobby for 2 hours..... lucky for me, God chose to speak to me in the last 30 minutes or so (which Ill talk about in a later post) which made it bearable....

We just had enough time to hit Target (my favorite) for a minute and then Dairy Queen and off we were back to home..... we hit some major rain on the way home, but God was there, so I wasnt too scared - I did get some good praying in though!

We picked up Gabe and Emma and came home and went to bed....

Now all we wait for are our reference letters and police clearances to come through.... once those are in, and if there arent any issues (not sure why they would be?), then our social worker will come do the home visit.

Trying not to freak out about it.... God already has it worked out Im sure.... :)

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Ok, Im about to vent... so either bare with me or just skip over this section.... :)

I grow more and more irritated with people throughout this whole process...

-first is the adoption community.... some are the most helpful, most wonderful people Ive met... they have been such an encouragment and a constant reminder of God's faithfulness.... but some of them.... some of them just have not been very nice.... and some have just ignored me altogether - which I just find unexcuseable..... I just dont get it...

- the second group is my "friends"... When I started this blog, I gave the address out to only a few select people who I thought would really support me and walk with me on this journey.... well, it really hurts when I find out that almost all of those people are not even reading this blog - its just not important enough to them - and hey, its not like Im overwhelming this blog with posts.... it just really gets under my skin when one of my "friends" asks me how the adoption is going in a way that I know they havent even read anything on this blog..... or if I feign stupidity and ask if I hadnt given them this blog address and they have the nerve to tell me "oh yeah, that, well, I just I just havent gotten around to it"..... ugh.... seriously, this is one of the biggest things of my life and you cant be bothered to support me for 5 minutes? Yeah, you are a great friend.... (honestly it makes me want to take this blog private so when they actually did get around to reading it, it wouldnt be there for them anymore....)

- third are just the ignorant people I come in contact with....

- fourth are my family.... they just cant seem to be happy for me.... I know this is common, but still hurtful at times

ok... rant over.... just needed to get it out of my system

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While I have your attention, you should definitely check out http://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com/ - they have so many ways that you can make a difference... love them!

There really was something else I wanted to post about, but now I cant remember what it is.... so I will be kicking myself when I do think of it..... glad you guys put up with me... :)

A Broken Heart....

You know, my heart is just broken for the orphan now. And I think God is happy about that - because I finally got my blinders off.

It is amazing to think how little I knew about our world before this process. How naive I was.

Right now... today.... there are 143 million orphans out there.... 143 million children who are being told by the world that they are worthless.

And we Christians sit back and cover our eyes and let the wolves go after these lambs.

Did you know that there is more slavery in the world today than ever before? Today... right now..... people (including children) are being beaten for not meeting an impossible quota.

And we Christians sit back and cover our eyes and let the wolves go after these lambs.

Did you know that 90% of orphans who dont get adopted... who age out of the system... go into prostitution or other illegal activities like drugs because they dont know how to do anything else.

And we Christians sit back and cover our eyes and let the wolves go after these lambs.

And too bad for you that you just read all of that... now you can no longer use the ignorance excuse... God now holds you responsible to act because you know what is going on.

Not all of us are called to adopt, but if you are a Christian, then you are called to help... to do something...

Did you know that alot of orphans do not get adopted simply because the families who want them dont have enough money.... because alot of Christians are hoarding it (me included, most days).

Why are we, as Christians, listening to the world tell us that a football game, or a new tv, or that cute new purse (etc, etc) is more important than a human life?

This is not how Jesus lived.... or taught. He was homeless... He praised the widow who gave EVERYTHING away.... He told one young man to go sell EVERYTHING he had... He didnt allow the disciples to take hardly anything with them....

He said it was harder for the rich to get into heaven.... guess where most of us live.... in the richest country in the world.

Crazy, isnt it?

Its crazy that hunger exists where obesity is an epidemic. Its crazy that people continue to go into debt when there are homeless living among them.

Its crazy that we havent learned to share.

Did you know that the whole world could have clean water, enough food and shelter for the amount of money that Americans spend on ice cream in one year..... one year!

Did you know that if only 8% of the people who claim to be Christians would take care of the orphans, there would be no orphans.

None.

No child would ever have to go to bed hungry. No child would ever have to die without knowing what it feels like to have a father tuck them in at night and a mother to whisper I love you. No child would ever have to go without knowing what grass feels like under their feet. No child would ever have to go without being read to. No child would ever have to give up on the will to live. No child would ever have to live with the rejection of being abandoned - living with the lies the world feeds them.

Look at your children tonight.... and marvel at how beautiful and smart and wonderful they are.... and then imagine them in a mental institution with no human contact.... begging for food on the streets.... being beaten because they didnt work fast enough... being sold into the sex trade by family members.

And then thank God. And kiss your babies who are safe and warm and fed.

And then ask God to break your heart for what breaks His.

And then become one of the 8%.

Finally....

We finally got everything together in that last batch of paperwork... which included getting something notarized - which I didnt notice that we needed until I was getting everything together to mail... go figure....

But after it was all said and done... it got mailed on Friday, September 18.

I have been smiling all day thinking that it is probably in the agency's hands now.

So now we wait.... I am completely calm now and ok with waiting.

It took about a week last time. So hopefully it wont take longer than that this time.

And then we hopefully will schedule our 2nd home study meeting.

And I am really hoping that it can be here in Columbus and we dont have to travel to Jackson. Which would mean Daniel and I would have to take off work, which isnt so bad. But Im not sure how it would work with Daniel being in school - he cant afford to miss any classes. But I am taking it on faith that God already has this worked out.... so I wait.

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I have watched 2 movies as of late.... both foreign films. I rented them at Video USA so they shouldnt be that hard to find for anyone.... especially if you have a service like Netflix.

The first is called "Nobody Knows"... its a Japanese movie... and it is sobering.... it doesnt have a lot of dialogue, but it will move you. Its about 4 children who become orphans by being abandoned by their mother. There is not a single happy thing in this movie, so dont be disillusioned. But it is good, and it will open your eyes.... because it was inspired by a true story. It should absolutely break your heart.

The next is an Indian movie called "Water". Its about widows in India. And mostly about a girl who was widowed at 8... so she is unclean for the rest of her life. There are funny and sweet parts to this, but it will still break your heart.... or should. I watched it by myself one Sunday afternoon... Daniel came in after it was over and asked me if the heroinne of the story had a happy ending, and I didnt know what to tell him.

Why would I recommend sad movies to anyone? Because they will help to open your eyes and that is worth any discomfort that a movie might bring.... at least in my opinion.... you shall have to decide for yourself.

(when watching foreign films, dont forget to turn the subtitles on first)