M.I.A.

Yes, I feel like a slacker... but I have been so busy, so I dont feel too guilty... and whenever I would start to write, I just didnt know what to write - I have lots of things I want to say, but cant...

Good news: our passports came in yesterday!

Bad news: our social worker (SW) is still not up to par...

An example... So she was supposed to have our home study (HS) written up the week after Thanksgiving. But I was informed earlier this week that she didnt get it done b/c another family was in China getting their child, and she just had other stuff come up. Fine, whatever.... she then told me it would be done Thursday (yesterday). Well, she emails me a few questions that she has (meaning that she isnt done, but couldnt have emailed me before yesterday?).... well, all of the info that she needs is at home, so I tell her that I will email it all to her the next day (today)

One of the things she needs is a copy of the dogs' and cat's vaccinations... well, they arent up to date, and since we are wanting to get this HS done... I rush home after work and start taking our dogs one by one to the vet (we have 3 dogs and a cat)... I get 2 done before Daniel gets home and then he takes the last dog and I take the cat (and our kids) up to the vet..... this all took a couple of hours, but we got it done.

So this morning, I emailed her all the stuff she asked for.... but turns out she has taken the day off.

Now.... for her sake, I hope nothing happened where she had to take off for an emergency of some sort.... but this has been her typical manner ever since we started with her as our SW.

Addie = not happy

As of right now, I have been putting our dossier together and am getting closer to having that done. (yes, I am getting everything together, not our SW... not quite sure what we are paying her to do at this moment).... because when it gets time for it, I want to have it already done so all we have to do is pass it off.... not wait forever and ever

So yeah... that is how this adoption journey has been going.... but Im trying to remain positive...

Trying.

Thanksgiving

Not alot going on the adoption homefront... I have a copy of instructions for the dossier so need to get started on that ASAP.

I have been thinking alot about Thanksgiving lately... since its this week and all.... and all it does is make me sad. It seems that this country has totally skipped it this year. Yes, everyone appreciates the day off, but thats about it. Everyone is so excited about Christmas - even putting up Christmas decorations already?

What makes me most sad is Christians are doing this too. As a Christian, Thanksgiving is so, so important. It is a holiday that is (or should be) totally focused on giving thanks. And as a Christian, I have so much to be thankful for. Also as an American, its the only holiday that we have all to ourselves (yes, we have July 4th, but other countries celebrate Independence Days too)....

I understand that we all fall prey to our culture.... and the capitalism of it. Stores are slowly eradicating this holiday from the radar and we are falling for it. Its almost impossible to sell "things" in celebration of a day that says "be thankful for what you have."

Or maybe, its just me.... to be honest, I am not looking forward to Christmas this year...

I am becoming more conflicted about all the "stuff" that goes along with Christmas.... when there are 147 million orphans out there. I am having a hard time spending money on un-needed "stuff" and "decorations" when that money could be doing so much more! We give presents to celebrate Christ's birth, right? But do we really think about how we are spending his money? Would He be happy with what we are buying?

I want my kids to know that Christmas is a special day to be celebrated... but I dont want them to miss the true message. I dont want them thinking that Christmas is all about "me" and "my" stuff.

Not quite sure how to go about it.... I feel like Im failing on that front.

And how do I tell people that I dont want anything for Christmas (ok, I would like some Lowes gift cards b/c I so want to repaint a few rooms), or it would make me super happy to receive a few donations in my name.

Not to say that I dont love commercialism... I do... Im human... I havent learned to go without or even really want to. But God has been working on me so here I am.... at an in between point.

Not sure where to go.

I do know that I have so much to be thankful for.... and I am. I really am.

Hope I didnt bum anyone out.... but I do hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving... full of miracles and joy and wonder.

The Home Visit

Well, last Friday, the last piece of paper came in the mail, but I didnt know that until Monday.... and we did our home study yesterday. Um yeah, do the math.... a messy house + 2 days to clean it up + an extremely busy family = one seriously over-stressed mom (me!) - not to mention I wasnt really feeling good yesterday.

Still not impressed with our social worker (SW). At all.

At the home visit, we were supposed to go over the dossier and what we would need for that, and also she would inspect the house.... the home inspection was so much less than I was expecting.... and we couldnt go over the dossier b/c our SW just looked over it for the first time the day before and seeing it was over 50 pages decided that it was just too long to read. She did promise to foward it on to me so that I could read it. And since we couldnt go over the dossier, she just asked me a bunch of questions about things we had gone over in our last meeting.

She was very surprised at all the information I had... apparently, she hasnt bothered to see what all is involved with the HK program and didnt realize there was so much too it.

Plus, she asked to meet our kids, so we pulled Emma out of daycare early. And she met our kids... didnt talk to them past "hi" or ask them their thoughts about the adoption. I know that they are only 5 and 3, but both can have an intelligent conversation with an adult, and they both know about the adoption and can tell you how they feel. So Im not sure what the point of that was.

But at least that step is over and done with.... and she hopes to have our home study written up by the week after next... the way things were moving, this is alot sooner than I thought it would be.... hurray!

Also, Daniel and I put in applications for our passports last Thursday... actually we went in Wednesday to have them done, only to realize that it was a holiday. We went and had our passport pics done the Friday before, only to find out that they did mine wrong... I was kind of ticked off, but lucky for us, they did pics at the post office, so we just did it right there with our application. So hopefully we will have those in our hands before the end of the year.

And I know I tell you guys that Im busy and I know everyone says that, but just for my own humor - I wanted to put down what a typical week looks like for us so when I come back and look at this in 5 years, I can say "how did we survive?" or "I called that busy?"

Every day
- Daniel gets up around 5:30 to study or read his Bible
- I work 6:30 - 3:00 (which means I am up at 5:50 and out the door at 6:15)
- Daniel gets the kids up, gets them and himself ready, and gets out the door
- Daniel drops Gabe off, and then Emma and then goes to school.

Monday
- Daniel gets out of school around 1:45, and goes and picks Gabe up and they go to his work
- I get off at 3:00, and go pick Gabe up and we go to the library and do homework (he has 10-15 pages of homework for the week), check out books and play on the computer
- Gabe, I and Daniel all meet up at Emma's school around 5:15 to pick up Emma
- We head out to the local children's home where Daniel volunteers (for school credit) and does a reading club - one for the younger kids and one for the older kids
- We eat dinner with all the families and then we go to the younger reading club around 6:00
- Gabe, Emma and I leave around 6:50 and go home... Daniel stays and reads to the older kids and gets done around 8:00... he will either come home or go to school to study or do projects
- Gabe, Emma and I play, and go through our nightly routine and they are in bed around 8:00
- I work on pictures until Daniel gets home... or later... and we go to bed around 10:00

Tuesday
- My mom will pick Gabe and Emma up and take them to visit my grandparents
- I get off work at 3:00 and have a picture shoot from 3:30 - 5:00
- I go home and work on pictures until Daniel gets home around 8:00
- Daniel goes to work 11-5 (I think, its hard to keep up!), and then he has a night class from 6-8
- When Daniel gets home, we then go pick up the kids from my grandparents and get home aroun 9:00... the kids go straight to bed...
- Daniel and I clean up a little and then go to bed

Wednesday
- Daniel picks up Gabe and takes him to his mom's house and then goes to work
- Daniel then picks up Gabe and Emma when he gets off at 5:00
- I get off at 3:00 and will come home and work on pictures, clean up, start dinner, etc
- We actually have a night at home... eating dinner, playing, watching a movie... kids are in bed around 8:00, and Daniel and I around 10:00

Thursday
- Daniel's mom picks Gabe up from school and takes him to her house for a few hours and then brings him back to our house where I am
- I get off and go to the library and update blogs and then go home and work on pics, etc
- Daniel gets off at 5:00 and will pick up Emma and come home
- Daniel may or may not have a meeting at school which means he will be gone from 6-8
- We eat dinner, play, take baths, go to bed
- Daniel and Addie watch the Mentalist at 9:00 and go to bed

Friday/Saturday
- this is never the same... sometimes, the kids spend the weekends with my mom and grandparents or sometimes they will stay home and we will do something fun on Saturday... I usually have at least 1 shoot on Saturday or a wedding which is all day... And Daniel works 8-1 every other Saturday, and he studies

Sunday
- Get up, get ready and go to church from 9:00 - 12:00
- Go home, eat lunch and the kids take a nap (or at least lay down)...
- I work on pics and Daniel studies
- I usually have a shoot Sunday afternoon
- When the kids get up, they watch some cartoons and they can play for a little bit
- 4:00 back to church for choir practice
- 5:45, the youth group meets
- 7:00 we leave church
- Daniel usually goes to school until 9:00 to study or work on projects...
- Gabe, Emma and I go home and watch a cartoon or two, get on pj's and get ready for bed
- I work on pics until Daniel gets home around 9:00
- We veg out to TMZ and go to bed

Did I mention Im busy?

Go back and read that first part of this post where I found out on Monday that we were doing the home visit on Wednesday and freaked out.... yeah, I did, a total meltdown... and then I got to work.... and then the home inspection was nothing - I felt totally cheated, but at least our house looks so good now.... probably will only last a few days though

Well, I hope I havent worn you out too bad with this post.... have a good weekend!

A follow-up

Well, Im sure all of you have been waiting on baited breathe for this, the next post (or maybe not)....

I feel like I need to cover a few things first though before the actual post gets started
- Thank you to everyone for the comments, prayers, emails and love that got poured out on me... I felt not quite so alone... it was a good feeling

- I am not depressed (its ok, really it is, to have a bad day/week/month every once in awhile)

- I am not losing my faith (quite on the contrary)

- My family doesnt hate me, and dont take every chance they get to berate me, but they have made it abundantly clear that they dont support this decision, and if its brought up, words are exhanged.... it is very hard having a family that you are close to and not being able to talk about something you are so excited about with them

- My inlaws do support this decision but we are not very close to them

- One family member that does support this decision is my sister, whom I love.... now, we are not the sisters who are inseparable.... we are so completely different and if left alone together for too long tend to get on each other's nerves, so we dont hang out or anything, but I absolutely love her and am ever thankful for her support

- One reason you didnt hear complaints about my last church was b/c I wasnt blogging much back then... and no real reason to reveal everything to the internet, right? It wasnt totally bad, the people were great, but we were not getting fed....

- If I hurt your feelings, then again, Im sorry.... We all have a right to our feelings and that includes me too

Ok.... now on to the good stuff.... actually let me say this will probably be kind of disjointed and gritty and ugly at times... some may find it a bit irreverent, but this is my story.... it is what it is.

After last Thursday's post, I was quite admittedly spent.... I was tired and worn out and exhausted... I felt like I had nothing left to give.

And then came Friday.... I dont feel a need to go into all the details, but let me say that it was completely awful... one of those days when you knew you should have stayed in bed... and the day just keeps getting worse.

Well, I have had those days before and one of the things I have tacked up in my office are the lyrics to "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas.... which can only be found on the soundtrack to "Meet the Robinsons" - a movie about adoption and being who you are (love how God works like that!)

And just to make this post longer (smile).... here are the lyrics.

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know the hardest part is over
let it in, let your clarity define you
in the end we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain

let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain

all of my regret will wash away some how
but i can not forget the way i feel right now

in these small hours these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours these small hours still remain

After work, I went home to get ready for a wedding rehearsal I had to shoot. I was not in a good mood, but at least the work day was over, and now I could concentrate on other things.

After Thursday's post, someone suggested to me that I listen to a lot of Christian music. And that is what I knew I needed to do.... for me, music is one of the ways I connect with God on a deeper level. I can listen to one song for 4 hours on repeat and meet with God - the music will become a part of us. I can feel it in my soul.

My soul was feeling pretty rough Friday afternoon, so I popped in Red in the parking lot and drove home. This is probably not what most of you would use to find God in the circumstances... but I needed something gritty and hard to connect to God how I was feeling - a sort of prayer, if you will.

I heard the lyrics...
You tear me down and then You pick me up
You take it all and still its not enough
You try to tell me You can heal me, but Im still bleeding
And You'll be the death of me.

and there it was.... God spoke... "Im teaching you how to die"

Yes, my God was teaching me how to die.

Die to myself.... die to all that I thought was important.... die to everything I held valuable.

Are you willing to give up your family for Me? Yes, Lord.... prove it.

Are you willing to give up your friends for Me? Yes, Lord.... prove it.

Are you willing to give up your church for Me? Yes, Lord.... prove it.

Addie, you love Me, I know that.... but you arent totally dependent on me.... yet.

My relationship with God is not always a pretty one.... He created me with an attraction to darker things... to things that are harsh.... to the shadows. Because there is a darker part to God and not alot of people get to experience it. They dont believe in it. They dont want it.... Dont get me wrong, Im not saying God is sinful - that is not the dark part of God that I am talking about. What I am getting at is that my relationship with God is not always happy... full of rainbows and kittens and fluffy clouds and only happy feelings. Yes, Ive had the privilege of being with God in all of His glory, but I am much more in touch with the God who gets angry and jealous and is passionate. The God that cries. The God that is silent.

We are supposed to imitate Christ. And Christ died... willingly. He didnt fight the pain or the suffering or the abuse. He didnt try to defend Himself.

So I learned on Friday that God was not breaking my heart.... He was burning it. It was charred and nasty and black and ugly. God did this to me. And it hurt. It left me breathless.

But it was necessary. You have to burn the old before the new can grow.

Honestly, I felt like one of those people who has received 3rd degree burns... where the skin is melting off.... the first thing that has to be done is all that damaged, burnt skin has to be scratched off.... nerves exposed.... nothing for the pain.... and it leaves you scarred. There is no denial once its happened.

Once I realized the process as it was happening... I had no choice... I had to give in. There was no fighting... there was no asking why. It was a total surrender.

I continued to listen to Red... and I finally found my prayer that I had been seeking.... the one I could call out to God from the pit of my inner most being and connect with Him - my suffering became His....
I hear You inside of me like some kind of master
I try to save you but I cant find the answer
Im holding on to You, Ill never let go
I need You with me as I enter the shadows

This song is filled with heavy distortion and screaming.... I felt all of it pull from deep inside. And God and I connected.... and the weight lifted because I knew what He was doing and He knew how bad I hurt. I sat in my parked car... eyes closed... hands raised... connected with my God. There was nothing left to be said.

It took all weekend for me to feel like I was healed... that the burning was over.... that it would be worth it. I am still tender... the scars are still fresh. But I am stronger.

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On the adoption homefront....
- We are now only waiting for 2 pieces of paper to arrive in the mail.

- And more importantly, I have come to terms with the realization that we will not be traveling in May or June of next year... I am sad, but I have to trust that God is taking care of everything.

- I am also having very mixed emotions this weekend over something that I may share at a later time, but I am not ready right now....

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Again... thank you for sticking it out with me....

Brokenhearted... and just plain broken

I feel like I need to put a few disclaimers on this post... (and honestly it kind of hurts that I feel like I have to do this to my own blog)
- this post is not intended to make anyone feel guilty or hurt anyone's feelings... if it does, Im sorry
- this is not a pity party post where I need sympathy (encouragement maybe, but not sympathy) - but this is my life, it is what it is, and I feel like you need to know where Im coming from
- this post will probably be fairly rough around the edges and gritty and raw... and real

Hmmm... where to start? To be honest, I am completely broken down right now.... in every sense of the word.... physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.... all of me is laying in a pile of mush on the floor aching to be picked up, but I know the only way that Addie is going to make it off the floor is if Addie picks herself up.... and right now, Im wondering how it would feel just to spend a few days down here....

Alot of it has to do with this blog... it seems that after almost every post, I receive some sort of hate mail... how I made someone feel guilty about not reading my blog, how I made someone feel guilty about not supporting the orphan, how I hurt someone's feelings, how I dont need to be adopting, how I dont need to be adopting internationally, what am I really thinking, what are my real motivations, etc, etc, etc....

It has worn my soul down.... shouldnt I feel polished instead of just ugly?

My life feels hard right now...

I have no support system, especially when it comes to this adoption (Daniel and the kids excluded, more on them later).... my family does not support this decision - no matter how important it is to me.... I have been told repeatedly that I will lose more than I gain if I continue this adoption. I have been reminded over and over of how I am making my family miserable and if I really loved them I would not continue this adoption. I still love them, though, and that is what makes it even harder. It seems that they only want to support me when I am doing what they think is right.... if Im not, then they feel the need to just guilt me and guilt me and guilt me. I am afraid that it has caused a rift that may never be fully mended and that makes me sad. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a 30 year old adult - I can make my own decisions... and dadgummit, family is supposed to support each other - unconditionally, not just when you agree with them. I have made a promise to myself to never do this to my children. Im sure they will do some things that I will absolutely hate, but you know what - they will always be my children and I will always love them. Even if they do things that I cant stand, if it makes them happy (and doesnt hurt them or anyone else), then I will do my best to support them and love them.

And not only do I not have family support... I barely have any friends either. Now Im not talking about all of you who have sent me lovely emails and read my blog... what I mean is that I dont have any girlfriends here next to me that I can call on the phone or just go out with. I do have one friend whom I love that is close, but with both of us having small children, it just isnt feasible to see each other all the time. I am jealous of all the blogs I read where they went out with the girls, or they had someone offer to bring them dinner when they were having a hard day, or when they just have someone's shoulder to cry on - that ugly kind of cry.

I go to a job every day that I really dont like and I am underappreciated. I am glad to have a job in this economy, it definitely helps out... but most days, it leaves my morale very low.

I do not like going to church anymore... for some reason that I cannot understand, God always calls us to a church that is spiritually dead.... it is full of elderly people that are completely set in their ways - they are more concerned with tradition than with worship.... at every single church that Daniel and I have been members of since weve been married (for 7 1/2 years now) - we have been the ONLY young couple there... right now, our 2 are the only kids at our church.... you can imagine how much my soul would stagnate if I didnt care, right? So Daniel and I have found our niche, and work with the youth... if youve ever done this, you know what a constant uphill battle it is... it has some amazing rewards - if you can withstand the pressures of it... if you can persevere.... but it can also severely beat up your soul as well..... How Ive cried out to God for something different - for a church on fire.... to find some sort of crumb of spiritual nourishment in church, but God says no.... I honestly dont know if the church is supposed to be affecting me or if I am supposed to be affecting it.... but this is also a lack of support and encouragment as well - it means that I cant rest when it comes to my spirit and soul - I must put the work in....

- on to Daniel and my kids.... they are my light and totally make everything better - God shows Himself through them alot of times.... I cannot think of them and not smile. So if Im going through all this, it kind of goes without saying that Daniel is going through it as well - plus, he is in school full time (that would be 21 hours just this semester!).... So, we are both not totally without support... we "get" each other... its nice having someone to come home too, but I dont want to spend every moment of the time we do have together just crying, so alot of times I hold it in and stuff it down....

- did I mention that Ive let myself completely go? There was a Suave commercial a few years ago that I loved.... it time-lapsed around a woman... she started off young and pretty, and then it shows her getting married and getting pregnant and kids running around her - all the while, she is looking less and less like who she really was.... that is Addie. I no longer wear contacts anymore or make-up... I dont wear jewelry besides my watch and my wedding ring... I only wear jeans and tennis shoes and whatever top is comfortable... my hair gets brushed once a day... I may shave my legs once a month (just being honest here, plus who needs to when all you wear are jeans)... I will not go out anywhere by myself - Id rather just stay home... and I will not spend money on myself anymore - it just makes me feel guilty*...

*to be totally honest, I already bought myself my Christmas present from Daniel - a pair of red high heels, they will probably never be worn, but Ive always wanted a pair and I finally found some that were just what I wanted*

Like I said, I dont want this to turn into a pity party or bashing all the people around me... I just wanted you to know where I was coming from... so when I come here to vent, its because yall are all I got...

and if this blog continues to only bring me hate mail, then I will be forced to go private - or just quit altogether.... b/c I cant continually have my heart broken every week... it hurts too much

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as for actual adoption news...

-several things have come in, but we are still waiting for at least 3 things to arrive in the agency's mail box....

- I typed out our passport applications online today and hopefully we will be applying for those very, very soon.... the typical time to get those back is 4-6 weeks, which with all the upcoming holidays, I think we will be cutting it close....

As of right now, Im just kind of left silent... still laying in a pile of mush on the floor... and whether I like it or not, life goes on... it does not care whether Addie is on the floor or not...

Still waiting....

On the exact same things we were waiting on over a week ago....

Addie is not a happy camper right now....

Addie is not doing a good job of being patient...

Addie does not understand why this stuff has been sitting in our file for 6 months and not sent out in May.....

Addie is trying really hard to have faith that God is working... even when it seems everyone else is not.

Hopefully, I will have good news in my next post.... or maybe I will still be waiting.

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Last Monday, Daniel and I watched a horrific documentary.

It was about Joseph Koney and his child soldiers.... children that he abducts from their families and turns them into killing monsters.... or he turns the girls into his wives.... children as young as 9 and 10.

And he claims that he wants to set up a government based on the 10 Commandments... all of which he has broken.

He says he wants peace, but when the government is ready to get together to finalize the deal.... he backs out... and then massacres hundreds of people.... time and time again.

Please take a look at www.invisiblechildren.com and www.wewantobama.com and make up your own mind on this monster.

As much as I think the government of Uganda should do... I am more convinced this is a spiritual war. Please pray with me that God will save this man. Think of how many people he could bring to Christ.

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Anyway.... I could use some prayer for patience... the waiting game is probably my least favorite game.... ever.

Love you!

Still Waiting...

Nothing new to report... still waiting on police clearances and reference letters to be sent back...

One thing that we could use prayer for.... pray that our homestudy is done quickly, and that we have time to get our passports done soon. There is so much paperwork involved, but we are hoping and praying to have our dossier (even more paperwork) mailed to HK by the end of December. But with so much paperwork and the holidays coming up, it will take everyone involved really getting things out in a timely matter.

Why do we want it out by the end of December? Because from what I can figure, its about 6 months to travel after that. Which would put us at June... meaning Daniel will be through with regular classes - meaning we could travel alot easier. It would also give us the whole summer to bond before Daniel has to start school again.

So, in my limited perspective, that is what seems best right now. I am wondering what God knows is best... will it be June? Will it be later? Who knows.... I am trusting that God knows best and He loves me, my family, and our new child....

So I wait.

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And another video for yall.... hope it works