Wednesday

I have alot of things on my heart and mind lately... not sure exactly how much I will share and how much I want to share.

I am feeling very restless lately, but also very peaceful... which doesnt make alot of sense.

Thankfully with this adoption, we have the blessing of hindsight from our first adoption.  Although I absolutely cannot wait to have my daughter here, I know the upheaval and turmoil that accompanies the joy.  I know that when we bring her home our lives will be completely flipped upside down and in those moments it will feel like we are drowning under a frozen pond - wishing for just a small breath, but not able to reach it - banging on the underside of the ice, but not knowing if anyone will risk their own lives/comfort to save yours.

So right now I am cherishing the time when it is quiet (as if its ever quiet at our house!) with only 3 to care for at the moment, with a few extra minutes with my husband here and there, with sleep at night... with time to nest until my littlest is here with me.

Willow's birthday is coming up this month and it makes me want to hold her so bad.... to know my child will be turning two and I will be missing it... it pains my heart... it makes me want to cry... but I have to surrender and know that I am doing all that I can right now.

There are other things that I thought I wanted to talk about, but I am just not brave enough right now... I dont know that i will ever be.

We sent in a request for a update on Willow and new pics... it could be a few days or a few weeks before a response... we are hoping for the few days, but not holding our breaths... :)  I am eager to see how much she has changed since the one and only update we have of her.... they change so much and so fast in the first few years... I wonder if I will still recongize her.

Still waiting on LOA/LSC - we hit 3 weeks of waiting yesterday... we really need it to come on week 5 to travel in July.  So its actually more of a possibility than it has ever been, but we shall see... nothing is guaranteed and some have waited 12 weeks before.  Its all a waiting game of Russian Roulette... some days it is really hard. (LSC is also when we finally get to post a pic for yall to see!)

We are still lacking about $13,000 that we will need to travel. I have no idea where it will come from and it makes my faith waver at times.  (I started to type something out here but decided it is better left unsaid).

In the end, it will all be what it will be.... this is where I am lately.... restless but at peace.

Weird, I know.