Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Letting Go...

Its been a long time.... and I don't know how much longer this blog really is going to last... 2014 has been a year of letting go (the timing of Frozen worked out nice with that)

I am letting go of my dreams of having a photography business... it became a lot of work where people wanted me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with, they questioned my worth and a lot of people made me feel really badly... I didn't want that anymore - especially since I gave and gave to that, I only believed in giving my customers the best, which meant that a lot of time went into everything that I did.... and I wasn't enjoying it.... and I realized that my children are growing up and this is the time of their lives that they will look back on, and I don't want them to look back and say "mom, was never there" or "mom was always in front of her computer"... its just not worth it.... I still plan to continue with my photography as art because I do that for myself and I love it and it gets so much of the creativeness out of my brain and "down on paper" so to speak... but I can no longer do it for anyone else.... sad (of course, this does not include the people that have stood behind me forever, and you know who you are - I am always there for your pics!)

I am a people pleaser... I hate to tell people no... but this year, I have been learning that that is exactly what I need to be doing.  There is only so much of me to go around and it was putting a strain on my mental health... I was at a breaking point - too many people wanted me to give and give but were not willing to help out when I needed it.... so I am learning to say no.... and it has been wonderful to actually know what free time feels like some days - strange and wonderful.

I also cant sit still for too long... I got offered a job to help be a cheer coach at Gabe and Emma's gym... I already teach tumbling classes but my heart lies in cheerleading (which I know is weird for the goth girl, right?  but I was never one for stereotypes), so I get to be at the gym 4 afternoons a week and my hearts bursts from being there... I love it.... and its helping to pay for Emma and Gabe's cheer, which is good for both of them in different ways

Like I said, Im not sure how often I will post on this blog anymore.... when I was writing often, I used it as writing therapy - to get out all the hurts and such and move on.... but family members were using what I wrote to be mean to me.... and I just don't have a lot of tolerance for that - I truly believe in my heart that "family" is personal and should love you unconditionally, so when that doesn't happen, it breaks my heart... so I feel weird writing personal stuff here when I know people can (and probably will) use it against me.

but since I have been letting go of more and more of the negative in my life, Im finding time and space to heal.... and our family is doing wonderful.  Willow has settled in beautifully and now I get why some people say adoption is so easy... if Willow's adoption had been first, we would have already adopted sooner.... and I think she is healing much of the hurt that Wallaces adoption (not necessarily Wallace himself) caused... she has been a balm to our souls.... and even my family is doing amazingly well with all 4 kids - it causes me to be very, very grateful and so much joy.

Daniel and I have even gotten a few date nights in here and there, and they have been heaven and remind us how lucky we are, in so many, many ways.

I don't know where this blog will go or what will happen, but I didn't think it was fair to leave you hanging like I have... Im sorry for that, but I needed some space and time, thank you for that....

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